At the end of January 2011 I was feeling increasingly unsteady on my feet. I knew something was very wrong when I walked up to the top of my drive, and proceeded to cross the road. I just wanted a latte on a Saturday afternoon.
The cafe was such a short distance, a walk that I had managed to do well regularly since moving here in 1999. That day I managed to get across the first road, but after 5 minutes of trying very hard to walk but actually not moving, I somehow managed to get back home.
It’s so hard to explain what was going on with my body. Since January life has felt so surreal. My balance and walking have been so bizarre. I wanted to write something up so that other people don’t experience anything similar.
When standing, I felt as if all the muscles that were supposed to keep me upright had failed. At one point I just felt like a rag doll.
I was out shopping with my support worker one day, and she and I talked about this “new condition” that I had – I was afraid to walk, frightened that I would fall. She said that I should go to my doctor. A week later I made an appointment. At first the doctor thought it was emotional stress – my sister and her family were in the process of moving over to England and was a very sad time. My GP said that possibly the brain chemistry had changed in such a way that walking and balancing had taken a back seat. She prescribed citalopram hydrobromide. Blood test later revealed an underactive thyroid. So I was also taking 50mg of thyroxin per day.
During this time I thought about buying a walking frame. Unfortunately the one I really wanted took a while to become available to buy. This meant 3 or 4 weeks of relying on others to get me from A to B. Holding on to something, or to someone’s arm made walking possible, but I couldn’t move by myself.

It was bizarre, and still is. I knew that if I had just bought a walker without seeking medical treatment I may have been in a position where the walker may have become too hard to use.

It was great having friends to talk to about this – I don’t think I would have been able to get through this by myself. I’ve never had such a complex health issue. It felt like I was in the twilight zone.
I have forgotten what my normal feel like.
On 17th May I had a talk to Iris Rehab. I had enough of this “new condition” and needed some help. It was great talking to Barbara and Shauna.
Barbara had seen me in the gym last year, and knew how my body was back then. She commented on the Tuesday “You don’t feel comfortable in your own body”. Suggestions of having MS Symptoms were made. I went back to my GP on the Friday. She ruled out MS, but after a good discussion we decided to stop the citalopram. I stopped it on Saturday. By Monday I felt normal again. It was absolutely fantastic.
I had an assessment for the Iris Gym on Tuesday, and will be starting a workout next week. Partly to regain my confidence that I had lost over the past few months. Although the surreal feelings of the floor changing shape, and falling backwards a few times, and having moments where I just can’t walk to the kitchen – I still need help to become confident in my body again.
It’s been a few months now, I’ve been going to the gym regularly, trying to get there twice a week. I’m becoming stronger, but still not as confident with my walking as I once was. But with the walker I am far more comfortable with walking, I enjoy walking, not afraid of falling over. But getting used to the idea of walking with a frame is something that I am still coming to terms with because walking without assistance is a powerful image that comes from the western, ableistic culture that we live in.

Allyson Hamblett